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| I'm BaCK... IF anyone cares... married life is ...ehhhh. J/K it rocks! Charlie likes it too. I'll ask Jay later.
He's in the Potty... and keeps screaming, "say hello to my little friend" not sure what that's all about...
ps that is so untrue. haha. he's right here and he loves married life too. and charlie.
Love
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| what am i really updating? perhaps...actually i just don't have the energy to do it now. I'm dead tired. I'm sad. slight depression sad, not i've had a bad day sad. I hate how you can sometimes spot it at a distance and still it feels as though the way it settles on you is as unpredictable and unstoppable as it ever has been.
My house is quiet. My friends are gone, away at tea and pirates, the airport, a boyfriends, or just not here. I'm feeling needy tonight so it is probably a good thing. I feel as though...i miss les. I miss Ginger and Les and i miss his office and our wierd discussions about sonic and theology. I miss seeing passion for God in peoples eyes. Today i guess i miss seeing it in my own. I love Christ but i have to remind myself he doesn't promise to alleviate all pain (i wonder if anyone will correct my spelling errors)... infact it is a burder to bare your cross, they say...well i've carried my cross around today and i looked just as wicked as all the other sinners to me... perhaps i left it at home...
I hear the notes on a dear friends voice, dear refuge of my weary soul, on thee when sorrows rise. I wonder who thought to call God "Refuge of my weary soul" and why it speaks ot me the way it does. I wonder wear courtney is, and why i keep staring at her name in my phone but i cant push send. I am hungry for her and craving cigarettes or cloves, redstripe, and the vicarious joy of her guinness...goodnight. | | |
| Sacred Smells from the Old Wood Chest
I wear you like an old sweater,
Arms around me safe and warm.
The warn places i over look, the tears we hold together.
Threads broken at the seam we hang on.
Biting winds beyond the door
Somehow, we manage to keep the cold from seeping through.
Pulled firm against my chest,
intwined in my tiny clenched tight fist.
You are here
As you seem always, to have been, in one form or another.
I expect nothing more than the familiar feel,
the flour scent and faint varnish tainted smell
That dances softly in a room when you are there.
I ask nothing less than that you remain as you are.
The precarious faith of a child,
The loyal heart of a warrior,
...you, indeed, are hardly as demanding
as this cold world; meant to mute the song soaked soul
Your arms around me safe and warm,
My eyes closed so the light drifts in,
With soft whispers on the breeze
The winter is at hand. | | |
| So here i am doing laundry at Drew and Jay's house...alone. My
washer doesn't work, nor does my drier infact i was electricuted a bit
just a few minutes ago b/c i was dumb enough to stick my hand into a
washer drum full of water... of a washer that is cross-wired with a
drier... it was a pretty good zap... wet denim is a decent conductor.
So i threw the braker and got my damn jeans out.
Be encourage... it is
good news that we are not of this world, we were made for perfection
and this is not it... it just seems i have the "blessing" of being
reminded of my own, and my world's, imperfection more than most.
I lost my dog, i left her alone until it was convenient for me to go
get her... i visited her only once a day for 3 days to water feed and
play for just an hour each time... now she is missing and i am so angry
at myself. The horrible thing is not that i neglected her and she
ran away, in all reality, she ran away thinking i had abandoned her...
maybe if she could just find me... i'd change my mind. maybe
she's just a dog that ran away.
not all of you
know marley, but you should. I love her, and she is my
responsibility and as silly as it sound, my dear friend. She has
been there when many of you weren't. When the world didn't care to seek
out my where-abouts she traveled from crappy house to apartment
to duplex... it was probably just b/c i fed her... but don't we all
seek after what feeds us? What nourishes our very living
beings? for humans it's our souls... who knows for $35 mutts...
I am not yet ready to
let her leave. I won't live without her, i can't. Silly? Maybe...
i rest in the Lord...but i don't know if God snores, or even sleeps for
that matter... and I'm almost positive he doesn't whimper after cats
aloud in his dreams. He has never laid his hed in my lap after a
backyard- big dawg-brawl and he may know the hairs on my head, but He's
not run his furry snout through it to my recollection....
trace
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| Just had another game night, it was incredible.... I am getting over my fear of "medium sized groups" to large to become a genuine convo... to small to split off unto individual groups, announcing seems innappropriate but order is just out of reach... medium sized groups.
I drank 4 beers and it got the better of me... I was bumping into things and being very physically unaware... I got embarrassed a time or two but no biggie. Perhaps i'll wait to post this til i'm sober... would i write this sober? Yep. I don't mind that i sat safely at my own home and had a few drinks after preparing a meal for 12 peeps and managing not to cry or lose my mind... thank you lord for easing my quirks... i know i am flawed and my personality doesn't often permit community in your kingdom, thanks for relieving me of that when you see fit....i couldn't do it on my own will. b/c damn its not easy..geez.
Daniel just asked what was taking so long... so i'll go now.
I pray that my visit with the doctor goes well this weekend. I hope he doesn't think i need any medication or treatment i cant afford. I pray for the strength to bare this disease alone, and not bring down my family and friends. I pray i get close to my dad on my own desire and action.. not b/c of what is going on in my life right now. Be with me in my mornings and afternoons and especially the nights when i fear my own bed. I love you lord, thank you for believing in me on the days when my faith in you is futile and insulting...
from the depths of woe i raise to the the voice of lamentation lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication. t | | |
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